Spirit: Lord, what awaits us further?
HOLY SPIRIT: The abundance of My grace and love. And I have prepared something special for you. You will hear. You will know My handwriting.
Spirit: Thank you, I want to, I'm waiting.
I simply refused to believe that everything we endured was only for us. I didn't know, couldn't even imagine, that the work on my heart was not yet finished.
Before leaving, I met with the founders of our hospital. I wanted to ask how they began, how they achieved such an unprecedented level of treatment and patient care. They kindly shared their experience. I wrote everything down, embraced them, thanked them, and embraced them again.
A few more days, and we will leave Italy. I walked the colorful streets of dear Monza. And said goodbye. Farewell to the warm air, the huge park, the racetrack, neighbors, dear ones. We lived here for so long… And how hard it is to return to Ukraine without Timoshka… I would have agreed to live in emigration, if only my boy were with me… But that is not our story… Heaven has prepared something different for us… I packed suitcases… And simply wanted to breathe our native air.
….October 20, 2019, we returned to Ukraine. Strange feeling—caring for two boys instead of three…
Spirit: Help me, please, live without him…
HOLY SPIRIT: I love you. You are not without him. He is alive. Do you believe?
Spirit: I believe… I love him so much…
HOLY SPIRIT: And he loves you. Don't worry, he is in safe hands. Do you believe?
Spirit: I believe… Send him my greetings… Tell him how much I miss him… and embrace him for me… please…
HOLY SPIRIT: Alright, I love you. I embrace you. Do you believe?
Spirit: Yes, my Beloved, I believe. Thank you for wiping away my tears each time. How many more do I have?
HOLY SPIRIT: I will wipe every one. Do not turn your face from Me. For then a shadow will appear in your heart into which you won't want to let Me. But remember, I am with you every minute. I cry with you. I understand you. And I love you so much.
I love to hear God. I love to speak with Him in my thoughts. Nothing and no one could comfort my mother's soul. The Holy Spirit spoke tenderly and so reverently each time of His love. That it would hurt again, and He promised to be there. Before Him I can be myself. He is attentive and so very close.
Flesh: Then why did this happen to your child? Why He, so Almighty, did not save him? You love Him so!
Such thoughts came not often. But they were. Whether flesh, or devil, or evil people—but these terrible words settled in my heart. Shadow began to fill my soul. I seemed to be choking and drowning in the torment of disbelief… I was silent… I was silent much. I did not look to Heaven.
Flesh: What difference does it make where he is, he is NOT WITH YOU! And that's it! What kind of love is this—to torment Your own children so?!
Shadow… A terrible thing… You simply choose one day: to believe the lie about yourself, about God, about Love.
Teeth clenched, fists tight, and you're ready to bite anyone who now decides to "heal" you! I stopped hearing God and speaking with Him. No, I didn't stop reading the Bible or praying. But I stopped seeking His Face. His so sweet presence. His smile and heart…
Flesh: Does Paradise even exist? Who has returned from there? Charlatans!
And you don't want anything to do with such a God. You stop seeing healing from pain in Him, and instead see Him as the source of pain.
Shadow lay as an unbearable burden on my soul… These were terrible days… Or maybe weeks… The Holy Spirit warned me about the shadow. But what could I do?.. I could not only rise, I could not even live… Shadow seeped into every capillary of body and mind…
But what was happening in the spirit? And I didn't want to look there… I was offended, angry and irritated. I turned away from His Bright Face… Like Eve… It was easier for me to believe the small serpent's lie than in the Immense, All-Embracing Wisdom and Love of Almighty God. Lord, forgive us sinners…
And the Holy Spirit fulfilled His promise. He did not turn away from me when I turned away from Him.
I remember that morning I decisively wanted to settle things with Heaven. I shouted loudly, sobbed, asked all the questions that tormented my soul… I think if I spoke to you in such a tone, we would hardly continue talking… I gestured actively, trying to show all my anger, displeasure and indignation… Then I poured it all out. Without well-formed phrases, epithets and comparisons. But it was my true essence, prickly, vile, dark authenticity.
Something happened then… In me, in Heaven, in the spiritual world… An incredible victory took place… I stood before Him, not in the "respectable" clothes of self-righteousness and propriety. But naked, vile, as I was. And I asked Him:
– Do you love me now?
And in response I heard… His holy, quiet, firm, confident…
– YES…
He waited for me. While I "bucked," expressing my disdain through my behavior, He remained by my side… He waited until I would turn my face to His Bright Face, and the shadow would disappear. For where there is the Light of His Face, there is no shadow! And though I turned to Him not with repentance, praise or gratitude, but with claims and accusations… But I turned in the right direction!
Having experienced pain and shadow, I stopped playing a role before Him. I knew His love and the greatness of His Heart! Jesus Christ, knowing and seeing all my baseness, corruption and inadequacy, agreed to go to the cross, to die and rise, so that I could live without shadow. To have eternal life with Him and in Him.
To those heavy questions I never received an answer. But, having known Him, I no longer seek these answers. The Holy Spirit promised that one day I will understand everything. But He did not clarify—in this life or already in Eternity.
The point is not how far I turned away from Him. But that He was always near, loves and waits for when you turn to Him.
And meanwhile I live and love Him! Here's what I wrote then at Christmas.
January 7, 2020
"Silent night… Wondrous night… And I cannot sleep. So many thoughts. No, don't think painful, nostalgic or sad ones. And in this message I don't want to write about Timoshka, because now he is better off than all of us. Now he directly feels all the triumph of Christmas! I wonder how they celebrate the earthly birthday of Jesus Christ in Heaven?
But while we're here, on earth, I want to congratulate all of us on the fact that Jesus Christ was born! He came to open the path to Heaven for us. He was born to save us, sinners and weak.
Today I was thinking, what is most precious to God? What do you think?
The Soul… Yours, mine, his, hers. The Soul… broken, destitute, sinful, intelligent, contrite, hardened, cultured, content… He values the Soul… You know, He looks deeper. He doesn't care what you can boast about before people. He sees what you hide behind 10 locks of your nature, and you tremble even at the thought that someone might find out. He knows your Soul. He loves your Soul. Not what you want to show people, but you! With all your falls and victories.
That's what Christmas is—finally found the One who loves you as you are. Loves not in words. Loves to death. Was born to die for my and your Soul. This is Love! This is hope! Thank you, Jesus, You did this!!! Let us Celebrate together!
The Savior has come! Christ is born! What gift shall we give the Birthday One? Let us open our hearts. In faith let us invite Him into our Soul. And let us live for Him each day, each minute!"
January 9, 2020
"January 9… The day that changed our life. I remember everything, though two years have passed. Feelings, thoughts, prayers, calls, support—I can recall every detail… I was very afraid of this day. I didn't know what I would feel today. Milestones of memory… How many more will there be…
I'll say frankly, I feel TRIUMPH! This is a real miracle!
I'll try to explain a bit. When our Timik went to Heaven, and only his body remained in my arms, something happened with my worldview. My perception of people is now different. My perception of the SOUL is now different.
Jesus Christ, when He looks at me or you, unlike people, sees not only the "shell," but what's inside—the contents. He sees and looks at the SOUL. And now, when God grants the honor of touching someone, I want to find in the eyes, words, gestures, silence the SOUL, not the external. It's something incredible! Often under successful/smiling/confident/self-sufficient/angry exteriors is a completely different interior. And we're afraid to let someone behind the scenes. So they don't "add" more mess there. But the Holy Spirit is not like that. He penetrates the most secret corners of our nature, knows our deepest fears, thoughts, concerns, judgments, and… still continues to love and draw us into communion with Himself.
Incredibly, Jesus Christ, knowing all our "backstage," still wants to save us and give us Heaven… What a wonderful love!!!
So, lately some SOULS wanted to open up to me. Sometimes I just cry from the pain a person can carry within… And comes the realization that every SOUL wants to be heard. And we sometimes are so quick with advice…
Thank God there are people to whom I can pour out my SOUL.
Is there anything more precious than the SOUL? Take away status, finances, regalia, vanity, image, audience—what remains? Yes! Exactly the SOUL. And we all want to be accepted, to have people want to be with us, to love us, not our…
That's why I celebrate, because through my pain I began to understand the pain of others, through my offenses began to see the offended, because of my loss began to understand what is really most precious! Oh, our difficult life here, on earth…
Let us learn together to see around us not "shells," but SOULS. And point every SOUL to the One who alone can fill the emptiness, give peace and tranquility, joy and love, and most importantly—Eternal life in Heaven! For this Christ was born!"
