February 23, 2020
God is doing something miraculous in my life! Let me start from the beginning. Well, not the very beginning, so as not to tire you. So, when I was 17 years old, I injured a cervical vertebra doing aerobics. I had to lie for several weeks in the children's trauma department of the regional hospital in our city. Once, walking through the hospital corridors, I came upon the children's oncology department. I remember praying something like this then: "God, help these children. Let neither I nor my loved ones ever end up in such a department." After that I deliberately avoided those doors, so as not to even glance at the little bald children.
More than 10 years passed when I again found myself at that "terrible" sign before the department. Then Semik was still in my belly, I had to go to the regional hospital to have blood tests. While waiting for the results, I cried… And prayed again with a similar prayer.
Our other contact with cancer-sick children was every evening, when before bed we prayed for them. Girls from our Church periodically shared information about the health status and needs of children from this department.
I respected these girls very much, because they visited sick children weekly; sometimes I thought of joining their visits. But… I was afraid.
I didn't want to. I drove these thoughts away. It was beyond my strength.
And the third time I found myself on the other side of that sign, when our Timoshka got sick… And after that you know our story.
A few weeks ago my friend started visiting a sick girl in this department. When she called and told me how it went, something was happening in my heart… I cried and told her I didn't want to go there because it's "like putting your hand on a hot teapot—you know it will hurt, and you still put your hand in boiling water." At the same time I understood that I understand these mothers who are there in a special way.
I promised to pray. I hung up the phone. And I began to pray: "God, is it Your will that I go there?" In that same second I stopped praying like that. I laughed to myself. To ask such a question: is it God's will to go where there is pain, anxiety, despair, uncertainty… I asked God's forgiveness for "such" questions. And a few days later, for the fourth time, I found myself in the department.
And then came Timoshka's birthday. And that gift we all collected. And here's the fifth time. I couldn't wait for quiet time to end so I could come to the department again. I went into the rooms, was with the mothers. I cried with those who cried. I rejoiced with those who rejoiced. Yesterday I barely made it through because I didn't go to the hospital. But today I couldn't hold back and went again…
And we've already arranged tomorrow's meeting.
Something incredible is happening! They have become part of me. I'm drawn there. I want to be near. Everyone—mothers and children—have become so dear!
Of course, each time I spend there, the dream of building a Christian children's oncology center takes even deeper root in my heart. This dream becomes alive. Acquires shape and meaning!
Lord, how wonderfully You transform the heart!
March 14, 2020
Dreams… Where do you think dreams are born? It seems that Heaven itself produces Dreams and sends them into the heart. God searches for hearts ready to receive His dream. He doesn't search for the educated, noble, rich, successful, professional heart. God looks into our soul and searches for a READY heart.
What are His dreams like? What are His dreamers like? It seems I've been fortunate to know several such hearts. And here's what they have in common: they dream not "for themselves." Their dreams concern the lives of others. And it's so beautiful when a Dream, born in Heaven, falls into a READY heart and… becomes reality. Acquires shape. And begins to live…
A month ago I started visiting sick oncology children. With each visit to the hospital the Dream of building a Christian children's oncology center gains weight. I think and pray about it daily. I've spoken with doctors, nurses, parents and children. The Dream stops being only a dream, and instead pours onto paper, sketching goals, vision, mission and values…
One thing is clear—God has finances to pay for His work. For His Dreams.
And I ask you to pray for the hearts of qualified doctors, medical workers who are ready to receive His Dream. For a team of God's dreamers with ready hearts. For a team of hearts ready to display the character of Jesus Christ in their work. Pure heart. Pure eyes. Pure conscience. Pure hands. God, give us such doctors!
Before writing this message, I was looking through old photos. And I kissed my boy who is in Heaven. He is so beautiful! Then I went to Danik and Semik and tearfully kissed them too! They sleep so sweetly… How much I love them… All three…
The preparation of the heart continues… And—yes, it is not easy… But… Dreams come true!
I very often talk with God about the hospital. I ask Him who to call next, who to meet with, who to open up to and who not so much. Whom He sees in the team. Who to deal with and who not.
Reading the Bible, I see wonderful stories where God chose ordinary people and did extraordinary deeds through them. If these people lived now, perhaps we wouldn't even notice them… Some of them were stutterers, some were shepherds, some were the son of a woman of questionable reputation. It seems God specifically chose vulnerable, insignificant people so that He would be fully glorified. And the key word for all these heroes is CHOSE. GOD CHOSE. That is, the Wise, Almighty, All-knowing God, looked, searched and CHOSE people after His heart to accomplish His will through them. God definitely told all these heroes that they were CHOSEN by Him for His work.
Realizing all my inadequacy, one morning I stood before Him and tearfully asked Him to tell me if I was CHOSEN by Him…
Spirit: I don't want to move without You. Without Your CHOOSING. I don't want to do my own deeds and efforts, I want to do Your deeds! Is this Your Dream?
Flesh: Oh, stop it! You—chosen? Are you worthy?!
Spirit: No! I am unworthy! And I don't pretend to worthiness! I have neither experience nor connections, nothing to lean on! Only You! I have only You! I trust You. Not one step do I want to take without Your anointing (the people God chose were usually anointed with oil, it was a symbol of their choosing and testified that God was with them)! Lord, tell me, is it You? You, Great God, choose little me?!
HOLY SPIRIT: Tima is your anointing.
Spirit: What does that mean?
HOLY SPIRIT: It means that YOU were CHOSEN so that Tima would be born into your family, live a beautiful life and go to Heaven. Tima is your anointing. This little boy is a testimony of your CHOOSING. I CHOSE YOU.
