*The book "The Story of One Soul" can be ordered at: www.SankoStory.com*
AFTER…
Difficult. Painful. The first autumn without Timoshka. Thoughts constantly reached toward Heaven. I began to notice how many words about Heaven are in the Bible. But my heart grieved…
Daily, many times each day, thoughts arose that tore me apart from within…
…oh, his favorite football shirt… …how he loved that little penguin… …what does he feel now… …there's his backpack… …but what if I did something wrong… …how he suffered… …how wonderful to be a mother to three living boys…
…we so wanted to go to McDonald's… …his little bed so empty… …he dreamed of his future wife… …he would have been a good husband… …why do others live and he does not… …did he feel that he was dying… …why did I send him to school… …how much left unsaid… …how much left undone…
A great multitude of heavy thoughts. And each time—a choice about where to direct my mind.
"Where to direct my thoughts"—strange how that sounds, isn't it? This was a real war in my head. I grieved. I wept. But did life end? No… Life continued. But different now. A great hole formed in my heart—133 centimeters long and 27 kilograms in weight. How do you stop thinking about him? Is it even possible that someday it will hurt less? Can such an enormous wound ever close?
Someone will say that time heals… Probably those people have never lost anyone… I spoke with a mother who sent her son into Eternity 10 years ago. It still hurts her. I spoke with a mother who has lived 20 years without her boy… It still hurts… I asked a mother who 30 years ago said goodbye to her son, and the pain still aches… Yes… It aches… And I also spoke with a grandmother who long ago buried her little son… You know, there are still tears in her eyes…
Pain is normal, it is natural. It would be strange if it didn't hurt.
Everyone has something that hurts… Everyone hurts differently…
The question is what to do with this pain? If this is my companion for life, then I must learn to live with it. To learn to live with this hole… A large, bleeding, living hole…
Pain will inevitably birth something. Either something beautiful or something terrible. A heart that aches is the subject of serious spiritual warfare. The Devil wants pain to destroy you. To make you faceless, an inert being. Depression. Alienation. Loneliness. Anger. Accusations. Cruelty. Hatred. Revenge. All of this is devilish handiwork. And yes, pain is capable of doing this to a poor soul…
But there is another Handwriting. There is another Potter Who wants to sculpt from a weak, suffering, impoverished heart—as from clay—something supernaturally beautiful. Yes, a heart that suffers becomes very malleable in the hands of the Creator.
Here the choice is ours. Each of ours. Into which workshop will we go with our pain. Into the workshop of grace or hopelessness. Into the workshop of fullness or emptiness.
This choice faces us daily.
Yes! This is real warfare. For dominion over my heart. Who will sit on the throne? Despair or joy? Beautiful creation or ruin?
And each time the Holy Spirit pours such grace into the heart!
Therefore, always, when pain begins, here's roughly what I do: I close my eyes. I imagine how beautiful it is for my little one now. How on Heaven he runs and laughs. Sometimes I say something to him. And the realization that he is alive—it lifts my spirits entirely. I am a mother of three beautiful boys. Simply one lives in another place. In a distant, good, bright place. And I give thanks, I thank God for His love and for Heaven.
Simply at little Timoshka's bedside in the last days of his earthly life, Eternity became so very real. Here, beside my fading son, I began to understand death and the sacrifice of Jesus more deeply. Christianity took on new dimensions and meaning. Christianity is not simply following certain rules or attending church. Those things are wonderful, but that is not the essence! When Jesus Christ came to earth, died for my sins, and rose again, it was not simply to change my behavior. No! He came to save me and you from eternal destruction and torment! And to give us entrance into HEAVEN! HE is that entrance! Heaven is real! Oh, what hope that is!
Here is what I wrote in that September of 2019:
"We, thank God, are well. Heaven has become dearer, closer, and more real to us. Probably, in the last year we haven't thought about Heaven as much as in the last week! When Danyk prayed before bed today, he said: 'Jesus, say hi to Timoshka from us. Thank you. Bye.' We love remembering all those Bible passages that tell of Heaven. For example, Revelation 21:3-8: 'And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." And He said to me, "Write, for these words are true and faithful." And He said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts. He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son. But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone…"'
Imagine what power, hope, and reality are written in these few biblical verses! It is simple. There is Eternity. Every person will feel it. Regardless of whether we believe or not. The soul that loves and thirsts for God here on earth will be with Him in Eternity. But the soul that flees from God will, sadly, spend Eternity without Him. In a terrible place…
Therefore, our dear ones, if you want to see OUR Timoshka, to embrace him and tell him how much you prayed for him and worried, then seek God. And God's things. Then you/we will have all of Eternity to be together with our dear Jesus and our little sparrow. Heaven is REAL. And it is closer than we imagine.
Today Italian schoolchildren have their first day of school. And the mother of Timoshka's classmate sent me a photo of how the children decorated our boy's desk today. Of course, it moved me to tears… I started crying. And Danyk says: 'Mom, don't cry. Do you think Tima wants you to cry right now?' And it sounded so grown-up, so serious, that I had to stop crying. Danik sends greetings to Timik every evening through Jesus. Yesterday he asked us why we don't send greetings. And Yura says: 'We send Timik greetings many times a day!'
And I too smile toward Heaven many times a day.
Lord, thank You for Eternity! Thank You for Heaven! Thank You for hope, faith, and love!
We are still a large family. We still have three beautiful boys! Simply one is in Heaven. But he is alive. We have not lost him. It is like sending a child to study in another city. You won't see each other for a long time, but that doesn't mean you've lost your child. Therefore, dear ones, love those close to you, those beside you. Now. Our children will soon leave. Very soon. One to another city. One to another country. One to Eternity. Try to spend enough time together. Take many photos, videos, and wonderful memories. Look in each other's eyes. Smile. Touch. And don't forget that the most precious moment is the one happening now.
Thank you for your prayers. It turns out there is so much written about Heaven in the Bible! I sincerely advise you to begin reading this Book! Then earthly life becomes meaningful, and Heaven becomes real!
For example, how do you like these words of the Apostle Paul: 'For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain'? What did the Apostle know that terrible, agonizing death was a GAIN for him? Yes, he knew Jesus. Closely. Personally. And he understood how beautiful it would be to spend all of Eternity with Him. 'Oh, Eternity, how beautiful you are!' sings a psalmist we know. And what makes it beautiful is God Himself, His presence. His character. His closeness. His Light.
But if here on earth Jesus is not of value to me, if I find Him uninteresting, if I don't know Him and don't want to know Him, then dying will be frightening, terrifying, agonizing, and unbearable. Because after… Eternity without God… Lord, have mercy!
Therefore, dear ones, let us build our relationship with God now. Here. From this moment. While there is still time. So that Heaven through the Holy Spirit descends into our hearts.
By the way, almost all of Jesus Christ's apostles (except one) died martyr's deaths. Imagine what they knew, what they believed, what they expected—that these courageous men would be driven to this! They knew that death is merely a door. Behind which lies Eternity with the beloved, the dear, the holy, and so longed-for Lord!
Good night, dear ones! How I wish we all loved and longed for Heaven with such reverence.
…What is your mood today? Mine is autumn.
But autumn can be different. Gray, wet, cold—the kind that penetrates to your ankles. Or the kind we have now, here in Italy: warm, pleasant, tender, peaceful, dry, and bright.
The weather outside our windows we cannot change or influence. We can only accept it. And adapt to it.
But our mood, the state of our soul, the weather of our hearts—we can choose these.
Memories often trouble me. Cold ones, painful and heavy. If I linger in them even for a moment—cold autumn fills my heart. In those minutes, other memories come to my aid. Full of laughter, joy, and warmth. And then good memories become great treasure and riches that I never want to lose. Thank You, Lord, that there are so many good memories!
Let us try to leave in the memory of our children and loved ones more good weather, emotions, and recollections.
And we are enjoying our last days in Italy. Danyk said goodbye to his class. We are saying farewell to beloved places and people. We've been in the ambulance twice. Danik and Semik fell together. Semik cut his head, Danik scraped his leg a little. Well, that's how boys are.
