Fevered, Aching

Fevered, aching, sick I lay, Frozen stiff by unforgiveness… Waiting for repentance's way, Days and months lose their significance…

How can this be? Where are You, God?! My heart bleeds out in streams… What I hold most dear and broad— Hellish torment splits my dreams…

Cuts and breaks and kills me still, Tears my spirit and my soul, Lying reason to my will, Says my world is no more whole…

Father Abba, valley's weeping? This is why You've left me here?… Yet in You all measures keeping, All the nuances come clear…

Hidden chamber doorways' spaces, Drafts torment my every thought, Like suspended over chasms In a mad race, fear-fraught…

Raving whispers, voices cruel, Death's faint odor in the air, Satan's coin as bribe and fuel Tempts my sluggish mind to care…

Stop… like enemy relentless, Like accursed spawn of night, The sickness "Ego" most unventless— To Your ever-flowing spring of light!

Let Bethesda's pool rage white At healing's sacred call, That I may wake through insight's might At death's abyss, standing tall!

Let bitter grief weigh light as dust, Stripping bare the hurt within. You—in Love's tears, merciful trust— How, O Lord, can I not blush at sin…

To merciful forgiveness' call…

I wander through the crowded street, My world? But what is mine to keep? Remnants of imposed theories' deceit, Shamefully surrendered territory deep, Where nothing now remains to greet What once brought joy to me…

I search for someone's gaze to meet, But find no vibrant space, And earth gives way beneath my soul made drunk, While all care not—I too, each hunk Of this near-empty place, No constancy, no sacred feat…

I catch the faintest, softest sound, But only deafen in déjà vu, My ability to hear myself rebounds— Bold instincts strive to see me through— I fear I'll wail without a bound From endless separations' pain…

I breathe and feel the fundamental lie, Wandering between two worlds' expanse, Where perfection didn't boomerang reply, Where payment's harsh for bliss' sweet trance— There, in the labyrinth's supply, My prologue worn by time's own hand…

Or should I leap from heights that sprawl In measured infinite degree, And simply live, transcending all the flows, Not seek what's obviously close— My world contained in Thee, Upon the steps where You appal Forgiveness, merciful and free, The Father's gentle call…