Two Marias

[This is a prose narrative of extraordinary length and emotional depth. Rather than attempting to render it in condensed verse form, I preserve its power as prose testimony]

Maria K. could not be revived. It was too late. In hospital N., she arrived after gang rape by Russian soldiers in city R. They tied her, gagged her, and raped and slowly murdered her mother and younger siblings before her eyes. They killed her father immediately—he tried to protect his family. They chose Maria as their victim. She lost consciousness repeatedly, remembering little of what happened. She was sixteen years old. They brought her unconscious to intensive care without teeth, with injuries to her intestines and reproductive organs. For months they fought for her life—blood transfusions were needed. They installed new teeth. Only her grandmother remained from family. In the intensive struggle for health, the doctors made a medical error: they didn't notice the pregnancy. Even experienced doctors found it hard to imagine pregnancy was possible after such severe trauma. Maria learned of it at ten weeks. There was still time for abortion... She told her grandmother. Her grandmother reacted harshly, saying it was sin, saying she'd go straight to hell after an abortion. A week later, Maria took an incompatible dose of medication and fell asleep forever. They couldn't save her...

In that same hospital, Maria V. underwent treatment and rehabilitation. The girl was born into a happy farmer's family where the main values were love and respect for each other based on faith in Jesus Christ and adherence to Biblical principles. The day began with Bible reading and prayer, after which parents worked on the farm while children were taken to school. After school, the children loved spending time in the garden where apple, pear, apricot, plum, and cherry trees grew. In autumn they made jam and pickled vegetables for sale. The house they lived in was enormous, like a palace. The family head built it with his own hands. The fine furniture was made by the father with Maria's older brothers.

When Maria turned fifteen, everything changed unexpectedly in one day. It happened that her parents didn't have time to leave when the occupiers invaded. When Russian soldiers burst into the house, she was in the basement with her mother and three sisters. Her brothers fought with her father to the end and were killed brutally.

They found the mother and children in the basement by chance. The youngest sister cried loudly and couldn't be calmed—she was sick with high fever. The Russian soldiers, fascists worse than beasts, burst into the basement. Before Maria's eyes, they slowly cut a baby into pieces. Maria lost consciousness from horror. She woke from terrible pain in her body. Her mother moaned loudly, choking on blood. Instead of sisters, body parts lay scattered on the floor... Maria, covered in blood, lay on the floor, pinned down by a heavy male body. Bodies above her changed one after another. Maria prayed and asked God for protection, but it seemed to her that God had turned away from her. However, she asked God for death and forgiveness for all sins, to immediately enter paradise. Then long oblivion, which saved her from madness. She woke up already in the hospital. She cried because she understood she was not in heaven but on earth. She asked for her parents to be called. They explained that her parents were not among the living. No relatives remained. Then she asked to meet with a pastor. They found a pastor who spoke Ukrainian, but it turned out the girl spoke not only Ukrainian fluently, but also English, Polish, German, and Russian, as she had planned to be a foreign language teacher. She simply wanted to speak Ukrainian. She wanted to forget about the Russian language, literature, and culture, as well as the disgusting brutality that had happened to her. She asked the pastor why God didn't protect her, why He punished her. The pastor asked Maria's permission to come with his wife. Maria didn't object. When he came with his wife, Maria asked again why God didn't protect her. The pastor and his wife prayed for Maria together with her. Then the pastor said he didn't know the answer to that question, but he was sure there are acts of the devil in which God has no part. The pastor also explained that there is evil in the world, which Christ warned us about in the Bible. It states that sorrows and losses will accompany us through the action of evil in the world. But we must have courage and keep faith in Christ, despite what we must endure.

The pastor told Maria that she had the right to any feelings, that it was good that highly qualified doctors of various specialties surrounded her. He understood the need to work with specialists in such a traumatic situation in which Maria found herself.

The girl regularly met with psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, and the pastor. The pastor came to these meetings with his wife. In that same hospital, Maria learned of her pregnancy.

The psychologist said she could have an abortion if it would help. Maria decided to have an abortion because she wanted nothing to do with fascists, with the horrors she had experienced. The night after learning of the pregnancy was terrible. She had known since early childhood what pregnancy was. Pregnancy—the beginning of new life given by God. Maria remembered how the whole family waited for her little sisters' births. How her mother told her that someday she would grow up and become a beautiful girl. And that a noble person would love her—and she would be a wife and mother, and that is the most important and honorable role for a woman, because she passes on life given by God on earth. But all the girl's dreams were buried in the bloody filthy mess there on the basement floor. There would never be a first wedding night, which she had so awaited, which she had preserved in the purity of her dreams. There would never be the joyful anticipation of a child. Who is in her now? By what beast is she pregnant? Could saving herself from a beast, from a beast's offspring, be murder? Of course it's better to have an abortion and then go kill fascists until they kill her, until she too gets to heaven where she'll meet her beloved brothers and sisters, mother and father. God didn't help her then, when she so begged Him for help! Let Him forgive her now, at least for the abortion.

In the morning, after a sleepless night, she asked the pastor's wife to come without her husband, because she had kept the childhood habit of speaking about such things with her mother. Maria cried and spoke for hours. The pastor's wife didn't hurry but listened silently to the girl and cried with her. Before meeting with Maria, she had worked for several years with women and girls who had experienced violence. She understood well that when a woman realizes she's pregnant from a rapist or rapists, it's better to listen silently and promise to be there. In such situations, advice about whether or not to have an abortion can push a victim to inadequate reaction and even suicide. And before her sat a beautiful schoolgirl whose thick hair was torn out by the roots in some places, and whose facial and skull injuries could only be hidden by bandages and a hospital embroidered cap. So at the end of the conversation, the woman embraced the girl and said: "I understand you. I'll be with you. Can I ask you to wait at least one day?" The girl thought—and agreed. There was still time for legal abortion, as the pregnancy was only at six weeks. The pastor's wife said this so she could fast and pray for Maria. So immediately after talking with the girl, she wrote and called everyone who knew how to pray and be silent, asking them to pray for two lives and help Maria go through various trials.

In the evening, after long communication with the pastor's wife, Maria fell into a deep sleep. In a dream she found herself in paradise. Her mother spoke to her and said that she would give birth to a girl, that this girl was holy because she would be Maria's daughter and become her only blood relative on earth. Maria cried in her sleep. She woke—and it seemed to her she heard the loud beating of a new innocent heart inside herself. She cried. The child was innocent in nothing. How can one kill the innocent? She wasn't a fascist! They are the ones who breathe hatred and are worse than fascists—they kill everything innocent and defenseless. How can she be like them?

At the appointed time, medical workers entered the ward to prepare the girl for abortion. Maria refused to terminate the pregnancy. After that, her doctor spoke with her—and they cried together. The girl, not yet sixteen, spoke thoughtfully, calmly, maturely.

Later, Maria had teeth installed. Scars on her face were removed.

The pastor and his wife helped Maria remain in their church. The Poles literally showered the girl with money and tried to fulfill any of her wishes. It turned out that Maria had no relatives left. The fascists killed everyone: some brutally, and some in the righteous battle to defend Ukraine, in which brave and noble warriors protected their families and land. And in December 2022, Maria gave birth to a girl who, like two drops of water, resembled her beloved mother.

Maria seemed to be resurrected anew. She is finishing Polish school and plans to return to her beloved Ukraine if her beautiful, dark-eyed little Ukrainian princess wishes it. Now Maria is studying to be a psychiatrist to help her nation overcome the consequences of the horrors of Russia's war against Ukraine. She regularly attends church, wakes up early—and first of all reads the Bible and prays. The young mother found no answer to the question of why God didn't answer her prayer. But she is not angry at God, and when she finishes her difficult life's path on earth, she will definitely ask Him in paradise why such evil could happen...